


Do You Think We Ever Could Be?

by rickbisexualgrimes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s14e15 Peace of Mind, Ficlet, M/M, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Season/Series 14 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-18 17:50:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18254849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rickbisexualgrimes/pseuds/rickbisexualgrimes
Summary: "Genuine happiness was definitely foreign among humans, that much Cas had come to realize after many years on earth. "





	Do You Think We Ever Could Be?

Genuine happiness was definitely foreign among humans, that much Cas had come to realize after many years on earth. That and many humans were prone to self sabotage. Though he wasn’t even human and he did that as well. He made terribly calculated decisions time and time again. Whether he did it for the right reasons or what he believed were the right reasons. Cas’ decision to make that deal with The Empty was necessary in his eyes. Without it then he would have lost Jack and he wasn’t about to let that happen.

 

Of course it would prevent him from being truly happy. And while Sam, Jack and the rest of whom he called family made him happy - there was something missing. Something that Cas didn’t bother to allow himself to fully want. It only meant rejection and even he knew how awful that was. Even being thrown around felt better than the subtle rejections he’d experienced over the years. All of which came from Dean and his inability to let someone love him.

 

And Cas didn’t fully blame Dean for the rejection. After all he’d been subjected to much neglect throughout his childhood, experienced much pain and trauma of his own. It didn’t excuse past behaviors but Cas understood nonetheless. He too knew what it was like to be damaged. So did everyone else in their family.

 

Essentially not being allowed to know true happiness without death made sense. Love had been known to kill people in some way. Cas did see the irony in the deal he’d made. The very deal that would remain secret unless he had no choice. Dean would have to pry it out of him and even then it wouldn’t matter. It was essentially binding so nothing could get him out, unless Chuck had plans to intervene and that was unlikely.

 

Besides Cas was too busy to think about true happiness, The Empty or much about himself. He pressed one of Dean’s numbers on his speed dial and it rang twice before Dean picked up. When he heard Dean’s voice he felt warmth inside himself. That was as close to happiness as he’d let himself get. He told him about Sam being under the control of Chip, how happy he was and that he wore a cardigan. The whole conversation was silly but telling Dean about his and Sam’s strange hunt felt right. He wanted Dean to know the little details, even if they weren’t important.

   
  


“I wish you’d gotten a picture of that,” Dean snickered on the other end. “Probably looked hilarious.”

 

Cas couldn’t even fight the smile on his face. “His outfit wasn’t terrible but we’re used to seeing him in plaid."

 

After Dean agreed with him, silence took over the conversation briefly, until Dean interrupted it with a cough. He spoke a little about his own day with Jack and said he'd explain when they got home. For some reason he mentioned Jack choosing angel food cake for a snack. And Cas was struggling with figuring out why that was important. As if a processed snack was a deciding factor in future decisions.

  
  
On the other end Dean was yawning so Cas took that as the conversation was over. Cas told Dean he'd see him soon but Dean stopped him.

  
  
"Do you think we ever could..you know..be happy?" Dean cleared his throat once he finished his sentence. His voice sounded nervous and uncertain.

  
  
Cas ached to be honest with Dean about where he stood on happiness. Yet he forced himself to reign in the truth and used uncertainty as a cop out. "I don't know, Dean. In this life there's all sorts of possibilities but not everything comes to pass. Even if we really want them to. Not to say you should ever give up hope."

  
  
"It's probably a long shot, anyways. All of us dying together sounds more realistic. Goin' out like a family, y'know?"

  
  
"Try to get some sleep, Dean."

  
  
They both hung up and Cas closed his eyes tight in frustration about where he was headed.


End file.
